Late night with Dani

Gym: The Ego Killer. A true story

2006-09-21T14:41:00.000-07:00

So its about that time of the year again when i start getting this wierd sensation in my body... you know the one im talking about... the one in which i lose all sense of reason and decide to join a gym. Its an annual occurence which always starts with words such as.... "This year is going to be different. I won't ever give up" (big 100 watt south indian smile)... and ends with words such as... "Fuck this shit! Its impossible to get buff. My body has too much intertia (physics joke) for it to change. I FUCKING GIVE UP!!! YOU WIN Benchpress.... you....win" (followed by me making a high pitch crying sounds and me running to my room in a very effeminate manner).

So as you must have gathered from all my ramblings... i joined a gym recently and started to go work out. The first thing you will find out in a gym is that there will always be someone better then you. There will always be someone buffer then you... or if he's not buffer then you he's obviously more athletically fit then you... or if he is neither more buff nor athletically fitted then it is safe to assume that he has a bigger Micheal Jackson (aka penis) then you.

You must be wondering why i know this... and no its not because i was doing some hanky panky with him in the cooler room... it is due to the simple fact that this MOTHERFUCKER will be taking his MJ (aka Micheal Jackson which is aka penis) on parade in the locker room. He will fucking start doing jumping jacks in the middle of the locker room with his MJ flopping all over the place. The worst part is this generously endowed ASSININE BITCH ASSHOLE will always drop something on the ground right infront of u and pick up it up as her were fucking seducing you... and for all you sick degenerate homophobes who are snickering in the back (yes you... i see you)... seeing some other guys MJ does not make me gay... its just a reflex reaction. Its like before you can even stop urself from doing it... its too late... already seen it... its like you want to stop yourself but your body just has a will of its own... (now that does sound gay, i need to bring this up with my therapist next time i see him in the gym... naked).

So i finally get out of the locker room and go and hit the weights.... and then some guy laughs at me and tells me that im not supposed to hit the weights im supposed to LIFT the weights. So after getting all domestic on the weights i get into position in the machine... and all of u must be wondering which machine this might be.... ofcourse the benchpress... i wonder why there isn't one of those twisting turning velvet rope line thingys you have at amusement parks (you know what i'm talking about).... cuz everyone in the gym goes on the benchpress first... im just amazed there is no line there or a lady who gives you a number and says she will call your number when its your turn... newho i digress... so im in position gripping the handle bar... and i put the weight settings on "I'm a whus... i can only lift one plate"... now you finally lifting the weights and your thinking to urself... "this isnt too bad maybe i should've put the weight settings on "I'm a boy, God Damnit!"... but then i lift it up a second time and my arms start to convulse uncontrolably... like i've suddenly got Parkinsons...but i push on.... the third... on the fourth rep and i reached the mid point of the lift and suddenly noticed the weights had stopped moving and i had stopped breathing... my face is beet red and i start to exhale harder as if blowing on the weights is going to make a difference.... No matter how hard i blow the weights doesnt move and eventually i give up thinking why this god damn machine doesn't have a "I'm my daddy's lil precious girl" setting... and then the answer to my question comes... right after i am done guess who comes to use the machine.... yes ur right... STEROID SUZEY... she gets into position and sets the weights to "I deserve ur MJ more then u do" and starts gunning through her set of reps... then she sets the machine to "I can feel ur manhood shrivelling away"... and guns through her second set.... this is all i have to say to fucking Steroid Suzey... LAY OFF THE FUCKING JUICE YOU NEANDERTHAL... making me feel like a girl wont make you into a fucking boy... and you have a thicker beard then i do :P (very mature Daniyal, that will show her).

Have u ever noticed that u just curse out the wierdest thing at the people who make you insecure... if u dont then i guess i will have to bring this up with my therapist as well. In the gym i feel as if i have turret syndrome... whenever i see a guy with a buffer body then me (i.e. everyone) i cuss at him in my mind... "Motherfucker with his huge ass biceps... must be compensating for something"... "Asshole thinks he's the shit with his well toned abs but he's GAY as sunshine"... "Fucking Suzey Steroid can't save up enough for that sex transplant... bitch"... "Even though he is well endowed... no one could love a face like that"... "Look a dumb bell lifting a dumb bell" ... i'm guessing you get the idea.

All dejected i finally give up for the day... i just hope nobody has the nerve to ask me whether i feel better after working out... if somebody does i guess im going to have to bludgen them to death with my 2 pound dumb bell... cuz thats the only dumb bell i can bludgen someone with.

Oh Ego! May you Rest in Peace.

Men... its not our fault

2006-01-08T12:04:00.000-08:00

Dear faithful readers, i would like to thank you for all your patience and support this past year. I have been fighting a life threatening illness which left me unable to type... after months of rehab i am not able to resume writing on my blog... you all must be wondering what life threatening disease i was battling... i'll tell you... its call LAZINESS!!! HAHAHAHA!!! I'm back SUCKAS!!! The king has returned.

This post has been long over due. To maintain the harmony and balance in the world i must describe the truth about men. My fellow man i am not gay for telling the woman species our secrets... cuz they arent really secrets. One thing which men arent is subtle. For example, say u meet a new guy... say his name is Daniyal... it cud be anyone...the name has no bearing on the story...it doesnt reflect the character of the Daniyals in the world... as i was saying... say u meet a new guy, Daniyal... and ur talking to him abt one thing or another... u notice that Daniyal's eyes are looking at ur cleavage and not ur face... what does this mean? hmmm i need to think... does anyone know the answer... anyone... HE LIKES UR BOOBS!! Thats it! Men are that simple to understand... we lack the subtlety (cant spell but im too lazy to check) gene. That example in mind i am going to delve in greater details the characteristics of men.

Men put the hippo in Hypocrite
Men are the biggest hypocrites in the world and they dont even realize it. Unfortunately this is no fault of the man himself rather its the womans fault (surprise surprise). Men aren't hypocrites with their pals or buddies... its only with girls.
Here is a typical event in a Plain Hira (Jane's Pakistani counterpart) and Average Shahid (Joe's Pakistani counterpart) relationship... "Shahid... why can't i go to parties"... "Cause ur a girl and im a guy"... "But Shahid, all the other girls go... even your sister does"... "Boo fucking hoo... i said no and no means no! BAS!!!"
The hypocricy stems from girls having the Oprah Complex aka the You Go girl Complex... women suffering from this complex think that the above mentioned guy is not looking at her breasts but rather is looking at a locket she has containing a family portrat.... and she thinks that this guy just wants to be friends with her. This is the dumbassedness (yes its a word... though i made it up) which leads men to their hypocracy. These girls think they can handle any situation and that all guys are sweeties.... WRONG!!! WRONG!!! WRONG!!!

Men are pervs to the power infinity
Men have the ability to make anything no matter how sweet in appearance into something perverted. Say your boyfriend... who ofcourse isnt like the other guys... he loves you for your personality and not ur looks (insert vomit stain and soundeffects) is caressing your hand... this is pure lustless amour... this is Love in its purest form... (insert author smacking himself senseslessly with a hammer).
If you think so then you are suffering from the complex called "My boyfriend is different"... ladies i will tell you the truth... HE's not... if he has a penis he is not different... even its a "tiny wheeny itsy bitsy cutie mutie for which he needs a tweezer just to please himself" penis... he is still a man and HENCE a perv. This is what your boyfriend is actually thinking when he is caressing your hand.... "HOW MUCH LONGER DO I HAVE TO DO THIS GODFORSAKEN SAPPY LOVE SICK HAND CARESSING NONSENSE BEFORE I GET TO THE GOOD PART!!!! CANT WE JUST CUT TO THE CHASE. WHAT MORE DO I HAVE TO DO!!! WHY GOD!!! WHHYYYYY!!!!!!!!"
Sorry ladies he IS thinking about sex at that very sweet and innocent moment. I am sorry but thats the way it is. Women have a soundtrack intune with their life playing in the back of their minds.... well men have a porno movie playing in the back of their minds... all the time.
This too is the fault of women... evolution has made us into this. It is similar to how man evolved to crave for sugar since it was in such limited supply in the prehistoric age (Hershey's only had one factory then).... since women have been denying us sex for soo many years... men have evolved into perverts who are always thinking about sex... even at the purest most innocent of times.

Men are Sadists
Its a Friday night and the boys are going to the stripclub... do u know one thing that your boyfriend would enjoy more then having some STD filled prostitute rub her breasts in his face for a buck (and no u S&Mer's its not that)... the one thing your boyfriend loves more than that is making u cry. As sick and twisted and demented as it sounds... its true. Guys love to make girls cry... Guys start training from childhood to learn how to make girls cry... we start of with some crude methods such as pulling the girls ponytail or calling her names.... and then we slowly mature and learn more subtle means to make a cry... such as pulling their ponytails and calling them names.
Though some men evolve into greater beings, who make making girls cry into an art form. These noble men sacrifice their own manliness... their egos just to make a girl cry.... I salute these men. Here is what they do... i think these guys have a emotion detector up their ass or something... but they know when a woman is slightly sad. What they do is they grab on to that sadness and rub it in... heres an exerpt from such a scene...
"So the chicken got burnt... its ok... its ok... its ok its not ur fault.... Look at me... Look at me God damnit... its not ur fault... its ok if u want to cry... its ok... u've been a brave girl for soo long... its ok if u want to cry... its not ur fault that your mother didnt love u".... and at this point the man's eyes start to glisten with moisture aka tears and his voice starts to crack up... "Its ok if u want to cry... im with u... a person can only take soo much... its not ur fault... u can lean on me"... now the woman's eyes start to moisten and the guy senses victory and goes for the knockout punch...with tears flowing he says.... "Its ok... I love u"... and as soon as the guy sees the first picture perfect tear drop rolling down the girls cheek he starts doing a victory dance in his mind.... and all he wants now is this stupid crying bitch to stop crying. Whatta sadist... tsk tsk tsk.

So there you have it ladies and Gentaman, the uncut unbiased truth about men.... all our shortcomings can be blamed on the women... we men are but God's naive creatures... we do not know any better then the bunny that is humping the other bunny.... we just follow our instincts... if Eve had not told Adam to eat the forbidden fruit... Adam wouldn't have known better.... but once he had the forbidden fruit... he wanted it again and again and again... but would Eve let him have it.... Noooooooo... so man evolved into what he is... a sex craving hypoctritic perverted sadist.... Well done Women... i hope you are all proud of yourself. Tsk.... tsk... tsk.

Women...can't live them, can't live without them!

2005-10-16T17:25:00.000-07:00

This is a blog that is past overdue. I have been contemplating for many days (months actually) how to list all the defining attributes of the fairer species...and i can't claim that i have done that completely but since this is my life long mission, i hope to accomplish this task before my life ends.

So before getting on with the defining attributes I would like to make certain clarifications/comments. Firstly that it was Eve made Adam eat the forbidden fruit according to eye witness reports told to CNN. Secondly, approximately 5% of the women in the world are hot according to my standards and if any of you hot ladies are reading this..."I love you, and all of what i will say doesn't apply to you... I am your humble slave". Finally, everything i say in this blog is fact and the last word on the matter...no arguements. Now the defining characteristics of women.

They are an Oxymoron.
What i mean by this statement is exactly what i said...Women are Oxymorons!!! I will now elaborate. Everyman has heard this line at least once in their life from a woman..."Do you think i am fat?"...now after a man hears this question it is better to shoot himself rather then try and answer the question cuz there is no right answer. YOUR FUCKED EITHER WAY! If you take the diplomatic road and tell her "Of course not... ur not fat...ur lovely"...they will come later and bite ur head off cause someone told them they were fat and the following speech would follow from the woman... "U said i wasnt fat...i trusted you...now ppl think i am fat and its all your fault. I thought u loved me and wud never lie to me. I hate you!" This speech is usually followed by the woman pulling out her shotgun and shooting the man. Now the other road a man cud take is the honorable path in which he tells her the truth..."Yes, honey you are humongous. You are like the Marshmellow Man from ghostbusters and Anjuman combined. You don't need to go on a diet...u need to stop eating period. I am sorry i couldn't sugar coat this any better then this"...to which the woman ussually by passes any form of speech and pulls out her shotgun and shoots the man. Men are fucked either way. Women don't know what they want or what they want from men.

Supporters of Einsteins Theory of Relativity.
This characteristic can be summarized in one statement by a woman... "I'll be down in 2 minutes" followed by the woman coming down 20 minutes later according to the atomic watch carried around by most men for accurate measurement. If you'll be down in 2 minutes, u'll just come down rather then make the effort of telling me ur coming down in 2 minutes. Whats the use of giving me these time schedules and getting my hopes up and then crushing them like a crushable object (cudnt come up with a creative simily). Then there are the women who get stuck in an infinite loop of 2 minutes...every 5 minutes according to you atomic watch they shout out..."i'll be down in two minutes". This loop terminates once the man commits suicide. And then...this is my favourite part...when they finally come down...they have the nerve to say..."Did I keep you waiting?"....ARGGHH!!! And you wonder where psychopaths come from...women create them.

Feminist.
Every woman thinks they are equal to men. Let me tell them one thing....NO YOU ARE NOT!!! The average woman is not capable of doing simple maths, lifting a 20 pound dumbell, being able to control their emotions, or subjugate men. All things which an average man is able to do. You are not equal to Men....Men have been dominating the world for millions of years...there must be a reason for it. Use ur brains which claim to be equivalent to those of Men....there must be some reason why women havent been able to dominate over men. Once you are able to make this link...women will be one step closer to actually being equal to men.

Bad Drivers.
Do i need to elaborate this one.

All of them have the Sherlock Holme gene.
Every woman overanalyzes every statement a man says. Its like they are trying to crack the Da Vinci Code or something. "You said that you wanted to go to the bathroom....what you actually were trying to convey to me in your male chauvinistic way is that you think that you are better then me"....or a woman would say..."The bag of chips you shared with me is a symbol of your love and how you want to share everything in life with me...yes I will marry you"...cud it be by some wierd chance that the guy was offering u chips so that you would SHUT UP!!! Jesus why cant anything be taken for face value, why does there have to be an undertone to everything. Get a grip not everything is a conspiracy theory.

These are the few characteristics i felt needed to be mentioned. If any of you women have a problem with it...BRING IT!!!

ps Ladies...please dont hurt me. I only jest.
pps this blog will be eventually followed by "the Retards men are"
ppps Ladies...i am really sorry...please don't hurt me.

The unrecognized Hero!

2005-10-12T21:05:00.000-07:00

It is the Holy month of Ramadan right now people so i will not curse or say anything vulgar in this blog (so all you perverts get the FFFF....oops almost made a boo boo). Anywho as i was saying...it is the month of Ramadan...the month in which Muslims fast all day and overeat all night. It is like in this month Muslims become vampires... "I cannot feed during the daylight for it is forbidden, but henceforth once light goes...i will devour ravenously the feast lay before me...muahahaha!"

Everyone can relate to the fact that they have over eaten at iftaari..."i shudnt have had that last pakora, just because of that last pakora i am about to explode, just because of the teeny tiny pakora i over ate"... i am not a rocket scientist or a nutritionist but maybe those dozen other pakoras you had before the last one, or the half dozen sandwiches you had before that infamous pakora might be to blame as well.

Anywho i diverge from what i wanted to say in this blog...this blog actually does have a point as opposed to my other blogs. During ramadan there is an unsung hero which we all need to acknowledge and be thankful for. Who is it...well its a what for starters...the hero in hiding is....(drum roll please)....The AFTER IFTAARI DAKAAR (BURP)!!!

Yes people the burp that relieves us from our pain and anguish. After you have over eaten there is nothing worse then being unable to burp...people who are unable to burp and are trying to after they have over eaten look like they are trying to take a catch in slip with their mouths...they are all bent forward with their mouth half open in ideal catching position....or an alternate strategy is when people go to their mama and start getting thapras (pats) on the back to make the burp come out. I dont know what the science behind this is but it works. Its like an exosism of the evil gases...."I forsesake the evil pakora gas...by the power of GOD... leave my son alone....leave him be....DEPART!!! GHAAAP!!!"

But nothing beats the sense of accomplishment and relief when u finally get that after iftaari burp...it feels as if you can finally breath again and your stomach falls back into its rightful place as opposed to being in your lungs. You feel as if the weight of the world has been lifted off ur stomach and you can think about eating again. My favourite people are those people who after over eating and going through anguish of being unable to burp say... "Ill never overeat again...never never never...this is the last time"...and as you can guess the very next day they'll be saying...."Damn i shudnt have had that last pakora".

This ramadan i ask you people to be grateful for the small pleasures in life, in your prayers offer a little thanx for being able to take that after dinner burp with your loved ones. Offer a little prayer for others and may you all have a blessed Ramadan. GHAAAP!!

ps if you are confused about what GHAAP is... that is my sound fx for a burp

Super Heroes...with a Twist!

2005-09-25T12:04:00.000-07:00

Ok...so another random thought popped into my screwed up brain the other day. I am a big super hero fan...i am still hoping that one day i will grow up to be superman...but that doesnt seem to be happening. So i thought to myself WHAT IF these popular superheroes had one minor change in them...all the same Super powers but one minor adjustment. This is the list i have compiled uptill now.

What if the Flash had his super speed but had a weak back. Every time he made a hard break...snap there goes his back.
What if Batman saw a cute cuddly kitten in the cave he fell into....wud he become CuteCuddlyKittenMan.
What if Captain America wasnt actually American but an illegal immigrant from down South.
What if Superman had motion sickness. Started doing his Super puke when he was flying...thereby destroying metropolis.
What if Spiderman had arachnophobia..." I have the powers of a spider...I disgust myself...I wanna Die!" Then he would swat himself with a newspaper.
What if Wolverine had no control of where the spikes came out. Would he be like a porcupine whenever somebody pissed him off roll up in a ball and get his spikes out....doesnt seem as cool.
What if Maula Jutt...I cant come up with anything for Maula Jutt...he's just perfect...I love the backward jumps onto the building and then the thousand bullet dance he does...wobble that chest Maula...Maula Jutt cud whup anyones ass...if only he didnt have to save his Mom's dupatta all the time. Thats like his kryptonite..."mairay maa da duppata chud deyo Jeeriyaa!!!"

If i can remember any other Superheroes...ill post them as comments. Untill then think abt this...think abt all the real problems superheroes have to go through andrealize how trivial our problems are...we got it good...those poor poor Superheroes.

Breaking the Racial Divide.

2005-09-15T14:42:00.000-07:00

I was browsing the internet one day when i came across the website Hot or Not...for those of you who have never come across it... this is website in which you rate whether people are hot or not. As i was rating people it occured to me that the guys who created this website are pioneers, revolutionaries who are trying to cut down the racial divide into only two categories from the hundreds of thousands present today in the world...Hot or Not!

Its simple. The world should be divided into only two races. The race of the hot and the race of the not. Those pioneers are taking a step forward to making the world into a universal race of Hots now if only the government would aporve of all the nots getting vasectomies and hystrectomies.

Using the data base these geniuses have compiled we can make the world into one race of Hots...it would be a peaceful world where everyone will be happy and hot. May God give these pioneers a chance to complete their noble Mission.

ps. please include me in hot

Continuation of Retardation.

2005-09-15T13:51:00.000-07:00

So one of my dear friends tagged me...whatever thats supposed to signify like we are in an emotional tag team wrestling match..."Tag...now why dont u share with me what ur favourite color...Tag now tell me were u abused as a child....Tag now you have to tell me if your gay...good one." What the hell is up with this retarded forwarding nonsense. If you have the unquenchable desire to keep a chain letter going...Kill yourself! Don't share it with me. Dont emotionally blackmail me with the idea that if i dont send this e-mail to 250 my mother will die...u sick fucks!

Newho im steering off topic here. My friend tagged me and i wish i cud bitch slap him for tagging me and now i have the unquenchable desire to answer any questions im supposed to. So here is my list of answers for the questions my retarded friend sent me.

5 years ago: I was a rising porn star all set to take over Ron Jeremys spot in history and also Sultan Rahis spot in history for most movies made. But then something went horrible wrong and my Micheal Jackson exploded from an overdose of viagra. An errection that lasted 4 days. That was me 5 years ago. And i am sharing this with you all because of the fact that i was tagged.

1 year ago: I underwent plastic surgery which helped me recover part of my Micheal Jackson. I was seen on the show Nip & Tuck and u can see me undergoing surgery. After that i was caught having having sex with a sheep and was put away in jail cuz the sheep was underage. How was i supposed to know it wasn't completely matured it had fake teeth implanted (those of u who go shopping for baqra eid will understand that). The reason why i am sharing such embarassing facts about my life is that i was tagged and now i cant stop myself from writing this stuff.

5 songs I know all the words to: Kill Forwarders; I dont wanna be tagged; Tag this you Bitch; The Circle of Tag and my all time favorite song "Why am i so retarded that i forward shit"

Snacks I enjoy: Since you are my friend and you have my e-mail address...i am guessing you can ask me this question to my face...but noooo that wud be too impersonal...reading it on my blog would be more meaningful...u bastard....u have the nerve to ask me what my favorite snack is when u know its FLAMING HOT CHEETOS!!! I'm sorry i just get emotional when i am asked abt snacks...i cudnt keep it in me...but now after reading it on my blog you wont forget it.

Things I'd do w/ $100 million dollars: I love this question. Most people answer i would give 50% to charity and 40% to start a business and leave the rest for my family. My ass you would!!! You would keep all that money to yourself and not share it with anyone. You know what i would do if i had 100 million dollars. I would pay $100 to everyman who kicks the ass of the person who forwards him any stupid retarded "whats ur favorite color" email or "if you dont forward this to 100 ppl u'll be a virgin for life" e-mail...that one still haunts me.

5 places I would run away to: This question is not clear therefore i cannot answer it. It depends on what the circumstances of my running away...if I am running away for fear of death i would have a different top 5 compared to the one if i were i running away for fear of remaining a virgin for life. Get what i am saying. I cant answer this question DUmbass Questionaire guy...proof read ur idiotic questions.

5 things I would never wear: A thong, Speedo, Used underwear, Underwear with shit stains, Underwear period!

5 favorite tv shows: This question is also inconclusive. It depends on my mood. I would have a different list if i were in love compared to if i were horny.

5 greatest joys: Whats up with all these 5 questions. Cant i decide how many i want to list. What if i have a shitty depressing life and cant get to 5. Did u ever think about the Mr Questionaire guy. Do u know how depressing it is knowing that i dont have 5 greatest joys!!! I am going to a rebel i am going to only write 3. How do feel now? DId i take one of ur greatest joys away from you. Here it is Sleeping, Making fun of ppl, Picking ppl up when their down and then kicking them back down.

5 favorite toys: I have only one toy and that is my favoritest toy in the world. My Micheal Jackson!

5 People I'm Tagging: I am killing myself as soon as i upload this,,, so that this viscious cycle may end. But before i go... listen to my message people.... If you get a forwarded e-mail asking u to forward it to 100 ppl ...dont do it...be a rebel...take a chance...so what if ur a virgin all ur life...at least you wont be condeming others to the same cruel fate...and if u have a friend and u want to ask him his favourite color...just do it...instead of tagging him....worse case scenario he wont answer or worse case worse case scenario he'll turn into a raving lunatic and kill you cuz asking him abt his favourite color brings back too many painful memories of how his uncle used to "play" with him... On that note Goodbye Cruel World. Tag.

The Staring Game

2005-08-22T07:32:00.000-07:00

Okay….whether you would like to admit it or not we have all played the staring game….and we have all lost at the staring game at some point in our life. What is the Staring Game you ask me…and being the all knowing person that I am (plus the guy who is writing this article) I will answer your retarded question.

To play the staring game you need two people. A starer….and a stare-eee…u alternate on who the starer and stare-eee is usually. The object of the game is to walk away with as much pride as possible. The winner is the one whose ego is left intact. To initiate the game you must be walking towards the starer/stare-eee and you must be walking on a bridge or a narrow alley way so that there is no way not to cross each other. Now the starer/stare-eee is supposed to be a person you have only met once at a party and he/she was drunk or you were drunk and you don’t know whether he/she remembers you or you were supposed to remember him/her or if you remember he/she will you be thought of as a weirdo who has no friends and remembers everyone he/she meets. All these thoughts are going through your brain as the starer/stare-eee is approaching you.

Now that all the required pieces for the encounter are ready…Let the Game begin!!!

Now what happens is…you take turns to look at the person approaching you from the corner of your eye not making it too obvious that you recognize the person or that you want to acknowledge the persons presence. So one person looks at the other person from the corner of their eye and as he/she looks away the other person looks at the person from the corner of their eye…this way you exchange being the starer or staree. This is the preliminary stage when you are quite far from each other… in which if you are an amateur you usually crack and lose some “coolness points” by blurting out in one breath “Hey…my Name is Daniyal….we met up at a party…u were drunk and with ur head in the pot…I don’t think you remember me…I was the guy who was taking care of you in the bathroom…you looked so pretty puking…I LOVE YOU!!!” Your ego takes a hit the other person ignores you if their sane or if they are trying to be oh so nice and sweet they say…. “yeh thanx….gotta run” and then jump off the bridge, commit suicide rather than having to cross paths with you. In this case the amateur is the winner by default…but usually the amateur leaves with a shattered ego and jumps off the bridge himself later on that day.

Once the preliminary stage is over and you are both more or less side to side….stage two begins…in this case there are a couple of scenarios:

Scenario 1
The starer makes eye contact with the stare-eee and takes this as a sign and smiles (all 32 teeth)… the stare-eee sees this and turns away without acknowledging that persons existence. Victor Stare-eee.

Scenario 2
The starer makes eye contact with the stare-eee and takes this as a sign and smiles (all 32 teeth)… the stare-eee sees this and returns the smile. Draw.

Scenario 3
The starer makes eye contact with the stare-eee and takes this as a sign and smiles (all 32 teeth)… the stare-eee sees this and returns the smile. But in an effort to receive some major Haraami Points the starer looks away and ignores the persons smile…leaving the stare-eee perplexed/confused/belittled. Victor Starer.

Scenario 4
The Starer makes eye contact with the stare-eee and in an overzealous effort to get coolness points….waves. The stare-eee completely ignores this and walks on….meanwhile the starer uses that same hand which is left dangling in the air…suspended by nothing but his own stupidity….to smack the shit out of himself. Victor Stare-eee.

Some tips for scenario 3…don’t leave your hand in the air for more then a microsecond….as soon as you see no response you should move your waving hand through your hair….as swiftly and smoothly as u can manage….thereby retaining some coolness points. Another more drastic method is to use the waving hand to flip the person who ignored you off…repeated…thereby turning the tables and winning the contest.

There you have it the simple rules of the staring game….now you go play it. The prize of the game is the winner lives and the loser kills himself. You are the weakest link goodbye.

Mindless Intellectual Rambling

2005-08-10T11:20:00.000-07:00

So I have noticed that many people include these profound poems they have written in their blogs. I thought I could be poetic if I wanted to be I could be profound, deep and meaning if I wanted to…so here is my impromptu stab at poetry…It is called Mindless Intellectual Ramblings.

I looked onward at fair meadows peak i.e. a mountain,
The Appex of the plains beckoned me i.e. a mountain,
As I approached the fair meadows/Appex of the plain I drew closer to it i.e. the mountain,
My quest is a mission to complete a quest,
The infinite cyclic loop in my head seems rather redundant to me.

My heart heaved a heavy sigh, sigh which rhymes with why,
For what fair maiden does my heart yearn for, for which rhymes with thor,
For what reason do I have such a faint heart, hearth which rhymes with fart,
Maybe it’s because I am scared of the unknown, I don’t know,
I am scared right now for some unknown reason, I am more scared now

Fly sweet angel of infamous piety flyuth,
O lend me thy wings so that I shall see the fair who I hath never seenuth,
So that I can get it onuth, as I am very hornyuth,
O sweet angel you’re an Assholeth for not lending thy wings to me.

Now I must sleep, for I dream in each waking moment of sleep,
And dream in each sleeping moment of wake,
I am restless sleeper, For what you have read O drones of the world,
Is the Mindless Intellectual Ramblings of a sleep deprived fool.

There is my impromptu attempt at poetry…not bad huh….i got the scenery thing…the pseudo intellectual thing…the girl….the part where I said the poem was about nothing…I think I have covered all the famous styles of poetry…not in the most congruent fashion but I think I can use this to impress the chicks and make them wanna FRAANDSHIPPZZZ with me. This is a pretty sweet poem...i can see ppl studying this in literature class disecting each and every angle of this poem..."I think what Daniyal is trying to say in this stanza is that is that he wished for world peace....the angel he refers to in this poem is the angel of death and Daniyal being suicidal wanted death to come to him....and the girl Daniyal talks about is Angelina Jolie cuz she is HOT!!!" Yeh I can see that happening...this poem has the ability to move peoples hearts make them fart...oh shit im still in the poetic mode...snap out of it Dani or u'll get a smack on ur fanny. I think i will read my beautiful piece of poetry once more...just to see if it really is perfect.

Jeeezusss I just reread this piece of shit…what the hell is wrong with me…I’ve got issues…I need to take my crazy pills. Arrrgh! Ok ladies and gentlemen...i will not take responsibilty for what i have written above...its not my fault....its the fault of my internship...its driving me crazy...sitting in front of a computer screen all day...going to the same website every 5 minutes...asking random ppl to be ur FRAANDZZ cuz ur just soo lonely...talking to ppl on msn u dont even like...I am soo fucking bored out of my mind...u know how bored i am...i am so bored that i am actually updating this god forsaken blog more then i want to...i am become one of those people who write something everyday...those shmucks who have nothing better to do then update their blog on an hourly bases...They are my kin now...FUCK!!!! I think i'm going to take my leave now and continue on with my internship which compromises of clicking the refresh button on orkuts screen every 10 seconds...I hate myself!

God: A sadist

2005-08-04T07:00:00.000-07:00

Today i read in the newspaper..."Death Toll of Boy Scouts struck by lightening reaches 16". Yes...u read correctly Boy Scouts!!! What sort of all loving God strikes down boy scouts...yes, these cute little boys (micheal jackson moment there) who help elderly ladies cross the street, learn how to make knots and stuff are facing the wrath of God. Not the terrorists who have killed thousands of ppl...not the retards of the world (Good old Dubya) but Boy Scouts.

God is on a mission to eliminate all the Boy Scouts in the world. As is stated in verse 421 in Gospel of St. Whathisname: "If thou shall help an old fair maiden, by thine hand will thee by struck down yee, and thou shall face the wrath of thy MERCIFUL God"...or something to that effect.

I am sure this is one of the signs of the apocalypse. If my memory serves me well the signs were as follows:

1) Even though there will be a war waging, people starving, countries flooding the top headline in the newspaper will read "Panda gives birth"
2) The stupidest man in the world with also be the most powerful man.
3) Blowing yourself up will be the cool thing to do.
4) Micheal jackson is proven not to be pedophile.
5) Boy Scouts shall be struck down by the hand of God.

I can't make this stuff up...no man can be this creative (or can he). In the end i would have a few words of advice for the youngsters reading this. The next time you see an old lady trying to cross the road...push her infront of the oncoming traffic. You dont want to incur the wrath of God...look what happened to lil Timmy for helping the old lady...and dont forget what happened to slow Al when he made the perfect knot. So to insure ur safety young'ns don't be a boy scout, start hussling some crystal meth, crack, cocaine and then maybe just maybe God will have some mercy on your soul.

Evolution: A true love story

2005-08-01T05:24:00.000-07:00

This is an academic research paper on the future evolution of mankind. The scientific community will not accept my findings since they are too radical. I hope my voice of reason can reach you.

The next stage of human evolution which i have first hand witnessed is... TELEPATHY! I found proof of this when I was in the Subway making my commute back home... when two teenage white chicks entered the Subway And the conversation they had was as follows.... "I was like... " to this the other girl said... "Yeh like..." To which the other girl responded... "like. .." and there were a dozen more ''likes" exchanged before one of the girls Said. .."like... You know what I mean"....

Ladies and gentlemen if this isn't Telepathy I don't know what it is... It is a sad fact that Human Evolution is being led by white American Teenagers... If this trend continues then the only word mankind will be using To converse will be... "like"...All we well be able To say will be "like... Like... like..." It is a sad but accurate hypothesis.

If any of you people have seen the war of the worlds you would've deduced that Men will also soon be three legged creatures... with all these male enhancement pills the madness will not stop untie we are Tripods... Women around the world should Shudder at this thought... To combat this tripod effect on men... females will develop teeth on their other lips to fend off unwanted predators...this will result in half the worlds men being castrated which would then lead to the evolution of men who would be able to regenerate their appendages similar to how lizards grow their tails back.

I have depicted a fairly accurate picture of how humans will be in the years to come...and I have only one thing to say...God be with us all!!!

The Phenomena that is ORKUT!!!

2005-07-19T08:07:00.000-07:00

Hello muh Babies...i know you guys missed me...and i took the only purpose in ur otherwise meaningless lives...i.e. my blog...but I am back due to my endless love for humanity.

Todays topic of discussion children is Orkut. Orkut started off as an innocent enough venture where people found their old long lost friends and kept in touch with them. Ever since the percentage of Pakistani males has increased the orkut community has become a den for desperate Pakistanis who "WANNA FRAANDSHIIPPPP" and here boys and girls lies the problem. If u have just one line...to make an impression on a girl....who in their right mind would use WANNA FRAANDSHIPPP...what is going through their testosterone filled mindss...I may not be the smoothest guy in the worl...oh k women shun me left right and center....but still i have the decency to realize that they DONT WANNA FRAANDSHIPPP ME!!! Who in their right mind asks someone to be their friend...do u realize how sad that is..."please be my friend"...NO!!! Never!!! It wont happen u stupid taili cyber cafeing mother fuckers....u guys reached ur peak when the cyber cafe scandal happened now its all downhill...no one wants to fraandship u anymore!!!!

I am sorry guys...i didnt mean to lose control like that....its just that...its just that....i miss my days of cyber cafe glory...when we were the COOL guys...now look at what we have been reduced to...a bunch of horny degenerate FRANNDSHIPPP wanting bastards...how wud u guys feel if somebody wanted to be ur friend just to get into ur pants and that person said no...huh HUH!!! You would be hurt right...so ladies...before u reject somebody's FRAANDDSHIPPP look inside urself and if u feel some pity for that poor fraandless horny bastard...then scrap him back....let some of the testosterone flow to the other head...so that he can think clearly, study, think about his future, abt his wife and kids, abt better lines to befriend a girl...u will be doing a great service to Pakistan. Productivity would be up 10 fold and our economic problems would be solved. Pakistan would be the grea nation it was meant to be just because of ur scrap.

So i ask you ladies...no i implore you ...."DO YOU WANNA FRAANDSHIPPP WITH ME!!!!"""

Painful Memories

2005-03-29T09:09:00.000-08:00

Yeh…so I just found another thing I suck at….Fucking Card Tricks…I don’t know what sort of twisted mind I have…there I was lying in bed abt to fall asleep when all of a sudden I start to get pissed off that I cant do any god damn card tricks. I started to remember how my brother was always really good at card tricks…and how he never taught me and when I got my mother to scold him into teaching me I cud never get it…AARRRGGGGHHHHH. My brother was always doing amazing tricks like… “pick a card any card….now put the card back into the deck and burn the deck up and spread the ashes all around the house…oh look what I have coming out of my asss….is this ur Card.” And I was always like fucking incredible I wish I cud do card tricks but somethings in life aren’t meant to be. I realized that I wud never be able to do a card trick but I could to card “TRICK”.

Whats the difference u must ask. Well here is the card “TRICK” I made. Step one is to wear a cool suit so u can act James Bondish…suave…shaken not stirred. Step two acquire a deck of cards. Now here is the part where it gets interesting. U ask the dumb shmuck who ur playing the trick on to pick a card…Any Card…Any FUCKing card he wants. Then without looking at the card give him the deck and ask him to shuffle the cards. Make the guy shuffle the deck for at least 5 minutes…make him spread the cards around…do a KAINCHI…until the guy gets tired. Then u ask him to find the card he chose before from the deck. Once he locates the card u ask for it. The guy shud be hesitant giving u the card but insist that u want that card. After that once u’ve got his card…ask him…”Is this ur FUCKing card…dumbass” and remember to laugh in his face. The tricky part in this card trick is keeping a straight face through the whole trick…it will require much practice but once u have mastered it…this trick is really satisfying.

Yeh…so I suck at card tricks so I trick people using cards…does that make me a bad person…maybe…actually yes it makes me a very bad person now that I think of it…but u will never understand the pain of not being able to do card trick. Death to all Magicians!!!!!

Measuring Up

2005-03-25T14:09:00.000-08:00

Warning: If u want to protect ur "virgin" ears do not read the 4th paragraph. U have been warned.
It was one of the rare moments in the year when I actually thought about where my life was headed and whether I would live up to my parents expectations. Would I be able to outdo my father which is the goal of every son??? Then being the dumb shmuck I am all these inappropriate jokes started to pop up in my head and I cudn’t continue to introspect (token big word).

Now I was thinking that I was going to have a tough time exceeding my dads accomplishments but look at the sons/daughters of these people would’ve had to live up to.

Now if Jesus had a son that boy would have a serious inferiority complex. Imagine how he would introduce himself…”Hi I’m the Grandson of God” doesn’t have the same ring to it. The poor guy most probably would end up in the loony bin…people wud keep asking him…”What can u do…can u cure aids…huh huh….can u turn water into wine…huh huh??” To this the Grandson of God wud reply, “I can’t turn water into wine but I can turn it into beer and that too only a lite beer”. Jesus’ son would be a social outcast…the jews would want to crucify him…the Christians wud be in denial that jesus has no son…and the muslims…well the muslims wud just want to blow him up cuz he is a foreigner. Finally how would the poor boy be able to top Jesus’ biggest accomplishment…”THE CRUCIFICATION”…this boy is going to be one fucked up kid cuz from childhood the only thing he wud be thinking of is how he would die…”Maybe if I was thrown out of a plane on fire….yes fire is a good touch…and while I was falling to the ground I would be shot in the arms and legs….and just before im about to hit the ground someone catches me only so that they can castrate me and feed me to the pigs….yes if I cud get this done surely it would top dads Crucifition.” For the sake of this child we can only hope that Dan Brown is wrong.

I’m sure Ron Jeremy has many sons and I feel for these poor sons of bitches (for all of u who are acting innocent as if they don’t know who Ron Jeremy is or those who actually don’t know who Ron Jeremy is here is a brief Bio. Ron Jeremy is the Porn King. He has made the most porn movies in the world and he has a penacular size of 11 inches and ¾ quarters…almost a foot long subway sub for those of u trying to imagine…sickos). Now first of all men have a complex abt the size of their equipment…and these poor guys would have live up to a legend. The girls would be going out with them with the expectation that they would “measure up” to their father. Now Ron Jeremy’s sons are the few people I can’t blame for turning gay….the pressure would eventually get to them....how many situations can u imagine in which the girl cud say the following …”this isn’t the way ur dad does it…ur dads bigger…ur daddy doesn’t give up that quickly…u are daddy’s “lil” baby aren’t u”. Please tell me u wudnt find that a little disturbing…sickos.

It’s a good thing Dubya (George Dubya Bush) doesn’t have any sons…yet….cuz I don’t know if anyone can top him…in which category u ask….well the category is STUPIDITY!!!! I know that people say a lot of stupid things in their life time…maybe people say enough stupid things in a life time to be compiled into a book…but Dubya is a machine…he says enough stupid things in a year to be made into a book. Dubya seems to be the product of years and years of incest and I think he is as good as it gets…after this I think the recessive genes would start to kick in. Now how would Dubya’s son top his father…a father who has gone to war in search weapons of mass destruction which he can’t find…I cant help but doubt the amount of mass destruction these weapons can cause if the best military in the world cant find it. Now the only way Dubya’s son could top that is if he went to war with China on the basis that Chinese people speak English with a funny accent. See that’s how retarded George Bush is that the only way to top him is by doing the above mentioned. May god have mercy on us if there is a Dubya Junior.

Another kid who wud have a tough time living up to their dad wud be Hitler’s son. Now how do u top a man who almost wiped out the entire jewish population. The solution is simple theoretically…u try and wipeout the current dominant race…which now would be Americans. So you would try and annihilate the Americans. Wait a minute….isnt there someone already trying to do that…isn’t there someone hell bent on killing all the “infidels”…I think I have come across a startling discovery…Osama bin Ladin is the love child of Adolf Hitler and Daddy bin Ladin…it makes sense now...the obsession to destroy a whole race…the hanging out with men in a dark cave (many puns included)…Hitler did have a son and he is trying to follow in his fathers footsteps. We are doomed!!!

To all of those guys who think they have it tough trying to outdo their dads…look at the poor souls above and look how much better off u guys are. Anytime u guys feel down and depressed that ur life isn’t going anywhere just imagine how life wud be if u were Ron Jeremy’s son.

An Academic paper on the word FUCK

2005-03-21T23:49:00.000-08:00

Warning: this is not funny, this is educational...you have been warned
So apparently my blog is the biggest thing on the internet right now…cuz abt 1000 ppl have come to my blogspot…that’s abt all the ppl who use the internet right. Ok…enough my retardedness....so the main complaint I get from ppl who read my blog is that its funny and shit but I use the word FUCK a lot. Well this is what I have to say to them FUCK U!!! I bet u guys didn’t see that coming huh…on a more serious note these complaints made me start to think abt the word FUCK and how I use it and how ppl use it in everyday life. I personally use the word FUCK instead of exclamation marks or as adjective. Now let us look at the more serious side of the word FUCK.

The word FUCK according to Princeton University is the slang term for sexual intercourse. Now apply this definition to the way we use the word FUCK in everyday life . “What the FUCK” = “What, sexual intercourse???”… “FUCK you” = “U have sexual intercourse”….”FUCKer” = “someone who has sexual intercourse” (it is beyond me how this is an insult). Makes little sense if u were going off the definition but even a 2 year old knows how to use the word FUCK…it is a miracle of nature.

Now I want to address the beautiful structure of the world FUCK….the phonics…the FUCKing phonics are brilliant (note: FUCK here was used as an adjective). FUCK is by far the most stress relieving word in the world. The amount of negative energy u release just my saying it is amazing…FUCK saying Ommm….all yogis shud say FUCK!!! Lets do an experiment regarding ther implementation of the word FUCK in the real world. Say u drop a heavy stone on your foot…a natural response would be to say the word FUCK but for this experiment we will also have a control in which a person says Darn. Now the person who says FUCK…gets rid of all the negative energy…emphasis on the Fuh part gets all the excess energy and the UCCKKK part calms the person down…u guys try it at home infront of ur parents… and get them to do it along…notice how relaxed everyone is. Moving on to the control….the person saying darn is not able to release any negative energy becuz of the phonics of the word…u are unable to release all the negative energy in you…and in our case the control turned into a psychopath and went on a mass murdering spree because he cudnt say FUCK… these finding were very interesting and show that not saying FUCK is hazardous to the health of other ppl (the new general surgeons warning).

Now let us look at another scenario in which we use the word FUCK…say ur walking down the street and all of a sudden u notice u don’t have balls anymore. In this case we are faced with an ironic situation…it wud be natural for the guy to say FUCK but now he doesn’t have the apparatus to do so…lots of academics have had arguments whether this person has the right to say FUCK and the situation is currently a topic of much debate and is also the cause for war in Iraq…since Sadam says ppl without balls cannot say FUCK and since Bush doesn’t have any balls he is against that. A very touchy topic… hopefully the UN will step up and resolve the “FUCK Crisis”.

Now that I have explained why I myself and ppl shud use the word FUCK at every single applicable situation, all of you who don’t agree with me can go FUCK OFF!!!!!

I hate my own people!!

2004-12-27T17:05:00.000-08:00

OK....there seems to be this conspiracy going on right now. Everyone is trying to fucking piss me off and u know what fucking pisses me off more than anything even bad horror movies and that is fucking people who cant keep an appointment...and the people who have written the book on how to be unpunctual is fucking DESI's. What sort of fucked up watch are they wearing...if u give them a time of fucking 8 o clock expect them to be coming by fucking 10 o clock. Do they think you have nuthing better to do then fucking wait for them. Why cant they either not give u a time or stick with the time they have given. You know who are the worst these fucking American Desis...these guys who u grew up with back home but once they got here they treat u like shit. What the fuck you are not gods gift to earth...yes i do have fucking better things to do then to wait for ur sorry ass....they expect u to keep a candle burning until they come. Then...then...this is my fucking favourite part....then they have the fucking nerve to ask you..."Sorry, did i keep u waiting"...u've got a watch... its simple arithmetic... do the fucking calculation. I hate Desi's!!!!

The Phenomenom called... BULLSHIT!!!!

2004-12-27T13:31:00.000-08:00

OK...there is nuthing that pisses me off more then a bad horror movie...and i saw a really bad one recently..."Dark-fucking-ness". I know alot of people have stated this before or maybe they havent but i need to get this out of my system...cause i've been having nightmares cuz that movie was sooo bad.

In which reality are horror movies set... i know it isnt our realm and i am not saying that because of the ghosts and monsters...its because of the fucking people in the movie..."Oh look i hear scary noises from the darkest most scariest part of the house...i feel the urge to go by myself with just a torch light and a thong to investigate'.....who in their right mind wud do such a thing...havent u heard the song.... who u gonna call..."GHOSTBUSTERS"...make that call nights and weekends are free. What are these people thinking....or rather why arent they thinking....havent they scene ne horror movies...u go to the dark corner something scary is going to happen or u are going to die...i know the movie wudnt go on if they didnt go in thier but c'mon give them some motivation to go in there...like they are going to get their keys or they need to take a dump and the bathroom is in the deepest darkest corner of the house....dont make them go in there just because they are feeling in a Scooby Doo mood...even Scooby and the gang splits in to groups....one of them wud take a dump while the other guy wud wipe....ok ok i know that was uncalled for but im just soo pissed (sorry scoob)...the thing that pisses me off are not the loopholes in the story...it is when a 10 year old goes into a place i wud run away from immediately...i am man enuff to admit it...if there is a scary situation and im all alone i am going to bullet...Stupid fucking horror movies made me wate 10$ and 2 hours of my life...AAASSSS HOOOO!!!!

No Liability!!!!

2004-12-26T01:43:00.000-08:00

Today i was walking around in new york checking manhattan. Then while crossing a McDonalds something caught my eye. There was a sign stating, "THE MANAGER DOES NOT HAVE THE KEY TO THE SAFE". I stopped and pondered for a minute thinking what must have been going through the managements mind while they were coming up with this sign. "Ok guys here is what we are going to do....to avoid people robbing us we'll just tell them before hand that we dont have ne money and that way if someone comes to rob us the mangaer can be like read the sign....this is an awesome idea...with this sign we are saying that u can kill as many of our customers but we cant open the safe cause we dont have the key...this is brilliant...the robbers will come and read the sign and be like 'oohh shit oohh fuck they dont have the key now i cant rob the store i think this life of crime is not for me'...this way we will be doing a public service as well."

What the fucking fuck how fucking retarded are the people in McDonalds dont they care about their customers...someone is going to try and rob them and they will be like i am sorry didnt u read the sign but i can give u as many free smiles as u want....What the hell this world is messed up.

On the move!!!

2004-12-24T10:19:00.000-08:00

I hate travelling. Two months ago i bought a ticket to nyc because it was sooo cheap. Shortly after buying my ticket i thought to myself what i was going to do in nyc...i dont like shopping...i dont like clubbing...i dont like sightseeing...why the fuck was i going to new york. Then i recalled that i bought my ticket because my bosom buddy was going to be there on the 25th during his winter break. I called this friend of mine to tell him the good news that we were going to meet up in new york. He got really excited and we started making plans and shit. Just as he was saying goodbye he goes "See you on the 25th of November". All of a sudden this red light starts flashing in my mind...i'm like u mean the 25th of December don't u dog...he's like no no the 25th of November...and then i'm like Oh fuck...u stupid son of a bitch. Now i was stuck with a ticket to nyc and nuthing to do. So after finding that my ticket is non-refundable and non transferable i decided that i'd try to make the best out of a bad situation and go to nyc (by no choice of my own). So the day of the flight i get ready 5 hours before departure...while travelling i become a fucking nervous wreck...i keep doing the travel dance every 2 minutes...u know the one in which u first touch your ass to see whether u have ur wallet...then u touch ur right pocket to see if u have your cell phone and keys...and finally u touch ur left pocket to see if you have ur passport...its sorta like the new version of the macarena. So i reach appleton airport half an hour before the flight due to various complications and i am freaking out because i ussually reach the airport 2 hours before the flight. Now i am rushing...checking in...getting my boarding pass...and all the two people in the airport are like what the fuck is wrong with u....this is fucking appleton airport...it takes two seconds to get through security...little did they know that i was special....I am a Pakistani who has a pacemaker. So i make my way to the metal detector explain to the guy that i cant go through it...he takes me around it and starts giving me a play by play commentary..."Now please standup put ur hands on ur side...now i am going to pat ur with the front of my hands around the leg and then i making my way up and now i am going to touch ur sensitive area with the back of my hand so that u dont feel uncomfortable...now i am making my way up ur thigh...oops i touched a sensitive area with the front of my hand. i was like god dammit the bullshit hell...this guy is trying to seduce me...and he isnt even my type. Anyway getaway from the security gaurd...manage to board the plane. Now while boarding the funniest slash stupidest thing happened. As i entered the plane there was this elderly indian woman sitting in the front and as i was looking at her i lost all control of my facial muscles and for some reason only god knows why i winked at her...I winked at a poor unsuspecting elderly indian woman...i have expected to be slapped but thankfully that didnt happen.
Fortunately nuthing else happened on the way to new york...except i saw the most high tech bathroom i have ever seen...it was straight out of star trek...automatic flushes...automatic taps....automatic paper dispensers...i didnt take a dump but im pretty sure they beamed their shit up. Reached the place i was staying went straight to bed as i had to leave next day to go to wesleyan.

The next day i grabbed the first available greyhound to Wesleyan. Now if you have ever been on a greyhound u wud know that it is the worst form of transportation...it shud be ur last resort. The drivers are on the verge of commiting suicide and are always pissed off. Its a good thing that in the movie speed the villain didnt put the bomb on a greyhound or Keanu reeves wudnt have stood a chance...the moment sandra bullock apprached the bus driver the bus driver wud've shouted..."Ma'aam please do not cross the white line".....sandra wud say "but there is a bomb on the bu...". "Ma'aam i said PLEASE dont cross the white line". "...but there is a bomb on the bus and if you dont go over 50 mph....". "Oh no girl u didnt just cross the white line...i am stopping the bus now"....BOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This time on the greyhound something a little less exciting then that happened...there was this lady talking on her cell phone...and the bus driver is like maa'aam please turnoff ur cellphone...the lady didnt give a shit about what the driver jus t said and kept on talking...Maa'aam i repeat please turn ur cellphone off....the woman once again ignored the driver. Then out of nowhere the bus driver took a sharp right turn and stopped the bus on the side of the road and then he goes..."Maa'aam u continue with ur conversation i won't move the bus until you stop talking on ur cellphone. Do you know ur cell phone is interferring with the navigational instruments". And at the point im like what the fuck....the navigational system....in a fucking greyhound bus...whats going to happen if it gets fucked up are the roads going to disappear...what the fuck having a navigational system on a bus...how fucking retarded are the drivers that they can't follow simple exit signs...newho the woman turned off her cellphone and i managed to reach wesleyan.

When i reached wesleyan i found out that the friend i was visiting was doing an african dance concert and i had to go see it. The moment i walked into the theatre my friend runs out in a hay skirt and at that point i blacked out because too many smart alick comments came to my head all at once.

This is the juncture of the trip i am at right now...so hopefully if all goes well none of the above incidents will repeat its self...i hate travelling!!!

Critics a.k.a playa haters!!!!

2004-12-06T13:14:00.000-08:00

So...someone told me i had to work on my writing...well i want to tell that person something. I DON"T TAKE HONEST COMMENTS WELL!!!! I like sugar coated ones which tell me how awesome i am and how funny i am and how they would like me to marry them...and shit like that. Not telling me that the punctuation mark is off or i shud've used the past participle in that case. I am all about the bottom line as long as the message gets through i could'nt give less of a damn. I can't stand it when people doubt my perfection. I know everything and if you think i made a mistake its not because i made a mistakes.... its because ur feable mind cannot comprehend the larger purpose behind me delibrately making that mistake. Man.... i can't stand these playa haters. Just let the playa play his game. Don't hate the playa man hate the game.

On a more serious note i am going to switch things up a bit by posting a more serious article which is about something important to me. Later...and if u have anything bad to say about me keep it to urselves or so help me god i will strike u down with such force that u wud wish that ur parents were celibate.

...LOL...LOL....LOLLY...LOLLYPOP

2004-11-14T01:46:00.000-08:00

One day while having a conversation with my friend on IM i was intrigued by his use of the acronym LOL (laugh out loud) and then i set out on a quest to find out the History behind the word LOL.

In the summer of 1998 a girlfriend and boyfriend were talking on mirc...on that eventful day it so happened that the girl cracked a joke and the guy wanted to laugh...so he went to type the word "heh" but since he was a dumbass he actually typed in "LOL". The girlfriend intrigued asked "Like...i mean....what is LOL"...the guy not wanting to acknowledge his stupidity had to come up with something quick since his girlfriend knew he was a dumbass and if he told her that accidently typed LOL (which is a whole 4 buttons to the right H) instead of "heh" the relationship would be over. So the guy thought hard and long striviing to save his relationship. Beads of perspiration formed around his brow when a finally a solution occured to him. He typed to his gf "LOL , actually means laugh out loud". The guy then anxiously waited for the response of his girlfriend wondering if he would buy it or not. The girl then typed "Like...Oh..my..God!!! That is like....the coolest thing i have heard...u are like the smartest guy i have dated." Since that day the world LOL has spread throughout the world like (Badr's) darkness has spread. We are living in very dark times.

What da fucking shit monkeys....i hate the fucking word LOL....Laugh out loud...what da hell i mean its just the most annoying thing u can read. "That was funny, LOl"..."LOL, the funniest thing happened to me". If u want to fucking laugh out loud just do it dont tell me...and i am yet to meet a person who laughs out loud like this "thats funny lololololollollolloo" in general its a ha or a ho or a heh just type that out same amount of effort but noooo..ppl have to fucking piss me off and type LOL. I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Especially these jobless people on blogspot...."I went to the market today....Lol"..."the most lollest thing happened to me"....if u want to laugh just laugh dont have to announce it to the whole fucking world. How lame are u fucking laughing ur headoff while typing an insignificant blog. Oh i laughed at that point insert lol...just keep it to urself...its like no one else laughs at ur jokes....how fucking sad are u.

In conclusion i suggest the death penality or castration for ppl who use the word lol to often. This will better my world since i wont be so fucking annoyed. Later biatches....oh yeh...fucking LOL

Slaalaykum Paiyan Main Bhutti Bol Rayhyan!!!

2004-10-24T01:00:00.003-07:00

IMMMM BACCCKKK!!!!! Ok i think i got a lil too excited in my last blog cuz the desired results have not been achieved by posting a blog. I have not become cooler, the girls arent swooning all over me, i see no six pack appearing in 90 days and my mj is still the same. What da fucking hell now this is what i call false advertising. I think i will have to emulate (big work there used the synonym button in word) some of there popular bloggers.

While doing my research i came across some intresting styles of blogging. They are listed below:-

1) The Whiner
The whiner is an annoying SOB who keeps on whining whining. "Why this...why that...tell me...tell me...give me an answer...i need to know...nobody understands me...whats wrong with me." Who da fuck are u talking to dude. If ur that desperate to get a fucking answer and go to a shrink. Driving other people crazy with ur fucking incessant question. I dont fucking know why that girl ditched u ok pick up the friggin phone and ask her urself. Jeezzzzzus!!!!

2) The I'm too Fucking Cool to write more then one line
This mofo is the guy who thinks he's the cream of the fucking crop..."i am bored right now".... and...thanx for sharing that with us...U ASSHOLE...if ur going to put something up for public viewing at least make it enjoyable. I am bored...ok so what the hell shud i do, thanx for sharing that with us buddy. Do u want us to come over and play fucking cricket with u. Jeeezzzzussss!!!

3)The Sharer
The Sharer updates his blog every 2 hours and tells u abt every detail in his/her life. "I brushed my teeth just now and u know what i noticed my one eye is bigger then the other isnt that swell...like my friend jenny like broke up with her bf oh my god she was like crying all day...my mice just gave birth here are the pics of the babies....I did nuthing in the last 2 hours just wrote my last blogspot." Its a fucking infinite loop u cant make them shutup. Jeeezzzussss!!!!!

4)The Assholes
I think i wud fall under this category at this moment. These are people who have nuthing better to do then read the blogs of other ppl make fun of them. These are the ppl who encourage the shmucks mentioned above the most. Those shmucks are like whoa my counter just went up one im getting popular...dumbasses. The Assholes say nuthing abt themselves since they lead meaningless lives and just make fun of other ppl. Jeeezzuussss!!!!

These were the results of preliminary research and sadly i belong to the species called the Asshole but im trying to change. Why cant i change? Why doesnt anyone love me? Why dont i have any friends? My only friend died today and i had to flush him wanna see pictures of him. I hate u guys and i never want to see u again.

I am da coolest

2004-10-19T22:09:00.000-07:00

Yippeee...yeh cheez....i can accomplish nething now. Fuck econ homework fuck stats quiz cuz now i have my own fucking blog. Wait a second while i do a joey victory dance. Now lets get all intellectual and shit like people do on blog. Intellectual mode on.

I alway knew there was something missing from my life. I never cud put my finger on it. In the search i tried alcohol, drugs for inspiration but i cundnt figure out what i needed to complete myself. I was just a mere shadow of a body i cud not see. An egg without a yolk i was lacking the center around which everything revolved. But now i have found that center and that is Blog. I can now pour my emotions on the screen for thousands of ppl i dont know to see and comment on. No longer am i inconsequential i am a Blogger. I have a reason to exist. No longer will i be the moth who circles around the flame i am going to be the flame. Wait a sec fuck this pseudo shit back to celebrating the fact that i have blogspot. Going to do another joey dance.

I am back now while i was doing the joey dance i had an epiphany...this blog spot is going to be different. Its not going to be about "who am i" "why am i here" "what is the meaning of this world" "how do i solve my problem with Susan" "why do i have such a small micheal jackson" no this blogspot is different. This will deal with real issues pertaining our world which is in such utter turmoil at this point. i want my voice to be heard I want to make a difference in this world....hold up i cant type while i am laughing. Hells no this blogspot is not going to be dealing with nething that stupid its going to do something much more important i.e. me and whatever i think is important.

So ladies and Gents (imagine 'in da club' playing) without further ado i welcome you all to the MY FUCKING BLOGSPOT