Women...can't live them, can't live without them!

This is a blog that is past overdue. I have been contemplating for many days (months actually) how to list all the defining attributes of the fairer species...and i can't claim that i have done that completely but since this is my life long mission, i hope to accomplish this task before my life ends.

So before getting on with the defining attributes I would like to make certain clarifications/comments. Firstly that it was Eve made Adam eat the forbidden fruit according to eye witness reports told to CNN. Secondly, approximately 5% of the women in the world are hot according to my standards and if any of you hot ladies are reading this..."I love you, and all of what i will say doesn't apply to you... I am your humble slave". Finally, everything i say in this blog is fact and the last word on the matter...no arguements. Now the defining characteristics of women.

They are an Oxymoron.
What i mean by this statement is exactly what i said...Women are Oxymorons!!! I will now elaborate. Everyman has heard this line at least once in their life from a woman..."Do you think i am fat?"...now after a man hears this question it is better to shoot himself rather then try and answer the question cuz there is no right answer. YOUR FUCKED EITHER WAY! If you take the diplomatic road and tell her "Of course not... ur not fat...ur lovely"...they will come later and bite ur head off cause someone told them they were fat and the following speech would follow from the woman... "U said i wasnt fat...i trusted you...now ppl think i am fat and its all your fault. I thought u loved me and wud never lie to me. I hate you!" This speech is usually followed by the woman pulling out her shotgun and shooting the man. Now the other road a man cud take is the honorable path in which he tells her the truth..."Yes, honey you are humongous. You are like the Marshmellow Man from ghostbusters and Anjuman combined. You don't need to go on a diet...u need to stop eating period. I am sorry i couldn't sugar coat this any better then this"...to which the woman ussually by passes any form of speech and pulls out her shotgun and shoots the man. Men are fucked either way. Women don't know what they want or what they want from men.

Supporters of Einsteins Theory of Relativity.
This characteristic can be summarized in one statement by a woman... "I'll be down in 2 minutes" followed by the woman coming down 20 minutes later according to the atomic watch carried around by most men for accurate measurement. If you'll be down in 2 minutes, u'll just come down rather then make the effort of telling me ur coming down in 2 minutes. Whats the use of giving me these time schedules and getting my hopes up and then crushing them like a crushable object (cudnt come up with a creative simily). Then there are the women who get stuck in an infinite loop of 2 minutes...every 5 minutes according to you atomic watch they shout out..."i'll be down in two minutes". This loop terminates once the man commits suicide. And then...this is my favourite part...when they finally come down...they have the nerve to say..."Did I keep you waiting?"....ARGGHH!!! And you wonder where psychopaths come from...women create them.

Feminist.
Every woman thinks they are equal to men. Let me tell them one thing....NO YOU ARE NOT!!! The average woman is not capable of doing simple maths, lifting a 20 pound dumbell, being able to control their emotions, or subjugate men. All things which an average man is able to do. You are not equal to Men....Men have been dominating the world for millions of years...there must be a reason for it. Use ur brains which claim to be equivalent to those of Men....there must be some reason why women havent been able to dominate over men. Once you are able to make this link...women will be one step closer to actually being equal to men.

Bad Drivers.
Do i need to elaborate this one.

All of them have the Sherlock Holme gene.
Every woman overanalyzes every statement a man says. Its like they are trying to crack the Da Vinci Code or something. "You said that you wanted to go to the bathroom....what you actually were trying to convey to me in your male chauvinistic way is that you think that you are better then me"....or a woman would say..."The bag of chips you shared with me is a symbol of your love and how you want to share everything in life with me...yes I will marry you"...cud it be by some wierd chance that the guy was offering u chips so that you would SHUT UP!!! Jesus why cant anything be taken for face value, why does there have to be an undertone to everything. Get a grip not everything is a conspiracy theory.

These are the few characteristics i felt needed to be mentioned. If any of you women have a problem with it...BRING IT!!!

ps Ladies...please dont hurt me. I only jest.
pps this blog will be eventually followed by "the Retards men are"
ppps Ladies...i am really sorry...please don't hurt me.

The unrecognized Hero!

It is the Holy month of Ramadan right now people so i will not curse or say anything vulgar in this blog (so all you perverts get the FFFF....oops almost made a boo boo). Anywho as i was saying...it is the month of Ramadan...the month in which Muslims fast all day and overeat all night. It is like in this month Muslims become vampires... "I cannot feed during the daylight for it is forbidden, but henceforth once light goes...i will devour ravenously the feast lay before me...muahahaha!"

Everyone can relate to the fact that they have over eaten at iftaari..."i shudnt have had that last pakora, just because of that last pakora i am about to explode, just because of the teeny tiny pakora i over ate"... i am not a rocket scientist or a nutritionist but maybe those dozen other pakoras you had before the last one, or the half dozen sandwiches you had before that infamous pakora might be to blame as well.

Anywho i diverge from what i wanted to say in this blog...this blog actually does have a point as opposed to my other blogs. During ramadan there is an unsung hero which we all need to acknowledge and be thankful for. Who is it...well its a what for starters...the hero in hiding is....(drum roll please)....The AFTER IFTAARI DAKAAR (BURP)!!!

Yes people the burp that relieves us from our pain and anguish. After you have over eaten there is nothing worse then being unable to burp...people who are unable to burp and are trying to after they have over eaten look like they are trying to take a catch in slip with their mouths...they are all bent forward with their mouth half open in ideal catching position....or an alternate strategy is when people go to their mama and start getting thapras (pats) on the back to make the burp come out. I dont know what the science behind this is but it works. Its like an exosism of the evil gases...."I forsesake the evil pakora gas...by the power of GOD... leave my son alone....leave him be....DEPART!!! GHAAAP!!!"

But nothing beats the sense of accomplishment and relief when u finally get that after iftaari burp...it feels as if you can finally breath again and your stomach falls back into its rightful place as opposed to being in your lungs. You feel as if the weight of the world has been lifted off ur stomach and you can think about eating again. My favourite people are those people who after over eating and going through anguish of being unable to burp say... "Ill never overeat again...never never never...this is the last time"...and as you can guess the very next day they'll be saying...."Damn i shudnt have had that last pakora".

This ramadan i ask you people to be grateful for the small pleasures in life, in your prayers offer a little thanx for being able to take that after dinner burp with your loved ones. Offer a little prayer for others and may you all have a blessed Ramadan. GHAAAP!!

ps if you are confused about what GHAAP is... that is my sound fx for a burp