Gym: The Ego Killer. A true story

So its about that time of the year again when i start getting this wierd sensation in my body... you know the one im talking about... the one in which i lose all sense of reason and decide to join a gym. Its an annual occurence which always starts with words such as.... "This year is going to be different. I won't ever give up" (big 100 watt south indian smile)... and ends with words such as... "Fuck this shit! Its impossible to get buff. My body has too much intertia (physics joke) for it to change. I FUCKING GIVE UP!!! YOU WIN Benchpress.... you....win" (followed by me making a high pitch crying sounds and me running to my room in a very effeminate manner).

So as you must have gathered from all my ramblings... i joined a gym recently and started to go work out. The first thing you will find out in a gym is that there will always be someone better then you. There will always be someone buffer then you... or if he's not buffer then you he's obviously more athletically fit then you... or if he is neither more buff nor athletically fitted then it is safe to assume that he has a bigger Micheal Jackson (aka penis) then you.

You must be wondering why i know this... and no its not because i was doing some hanky panky with him in the cooler room... it is due to the simple fact that this MOTHERFUCKER will be taking his MJ (aka Micheal Jackson which is aka penis) on parade in the locker room. He will fucking start doing jumping jacks in the middle of the locker room with his MJ flopping all over the place. The worst part is this generously endowed ASSININE BITCH ASSHOLE will always drop something on the ground right infront of u and pick up it up as her were fucking seducing you... and for all you sick degenerate homophobes who are snickering in the back (yes you... i see you)... seeing some other guys MJ does not make me gay... its just a reflex reaction. Its like before you can even stop urself from doing it... its too late... already seen it... its like you want to stop yourself but your body just has a will of its own... (now that does sound gay, i need to bring this up with my therapist next time i see him in the gym... naked).

So i finally get out of the locker room and go and hit the weights.... and then some guy laughs at me and tells me that im not supposed to hit the weights im supposed to LIFT the weights. So after getting all domestic on the weights i get into position in the machine... and all of u must be wondering which machine this might be.... ofcourse the benchpress... i wonder why there isn't one of those twisting turning velvet rope line thingys you have at amusement parks (you know what i'm talking about).... cuz everyone in the gym goes on the benchpress first... im just amazed there is no line there or a lady who gives you a number and says she will call your number when its your turn... newho i digress... so im in position gripping the handle bar... and i put the weight settings on "I'm a whus... i can only lift one plate"... now you finally lifting the weights and your thinking to urself... "this isnt too bad maybe i should've put the weight settings on "I'm a boy, God Damnit!"... but then i lift it up a second time and my arms start to convulse uncontrolably... like i've suddenly got Parkinsons...but i push on.... the third... on the fourth rep and i reached the mid point of the lift and suddenly noticed the weights had stopped moving and i had stopped breathing... my face is beet red and i start to exhale harder as if blowing on the weights is going to make a difference.... No matter how hard i blow the weights doesnt move and eventually i give up thinking why this god damn machine doesn't have a "I'm my daddy's lil precious girl" setting... and then the answer to my question comes... right after i am done guess who comes to use the machine.... yes ur right... STEROID SUZEY... she gets into position and sets the weights to "I deserve ur MJ more then u do" and starts gunning through her set of reps... then she sets the machine to "I can feel ur manhood shrivelling away"... and guns through her second set.... this is all i have to say to fucking Steroid Suzey... LAY OFF THE FUCKING JUICE YOU NEANDERTHAL... making me feel like a girl wont make you into a fucking boy... and you have a thicker beard then i do :P (very mature Daniyal, that will show her).

Have u ever noticed that u just curse out the wierdest thing at the people who make you insecure... if u dont then i guess i will have to bring this up with my therapist as well. In the gym i feel as if i have turret syndrome... whenever i see a guy with a buffer body then me (i.e. everyone) i cuss at him in my mind... "Motherfucker with his huge ass biceps... must be compensating for something"... "Asshole thinks he's the shit with his well toned abs but he's GAY as sunshine"... "Fucking Suzey Steroid can't save up enough for that sex transplant... bitch"... "Even though he is well endowed... no one could love a face like that"... "Look a dumb bell lifting a dumb bell" ... i'm guessing you get the idea.

All dejected i finally give up for the day... i just hope nobody has the nerve to ask me whether i feel better after working out... if somebody does i guess im going to have to bludgen them to death with my 2 pound dumb bell... cuz thats the only dumb bell i can bludgen someone with.

Oh Ego! May you Rest in Peace.