Painful Memories

Yeh…so I just found another thing I suck at….Fucking Card Tricks…I don’t know what sort of twisted mind I have…there I was lying in bed abt to fall asleep when all of a sudden I start to get pissed off that I cant do any god damn card tricks. I started to remember how my brother was always really good at card tricks…and how he never taught me and when I got my mother to scold him into teaching me I cud never get it…AARRRGGGGHHHHH. My brother was always doing amazing tricks like… “pick a card any card….now put the card back into the deck and burn the deck up and spread the ashes all around the house…oh look what I have coming out of my asss….is this ur Card.” And I was always like fucking incredible I wish I cud do card tricks but somethings in life aren’t meant to be. I realized that I wud never be able to do a card trick but I could to card “TRICK”.

Whats the difference u must ask. Well here is the card “TRICK” I made. Step one is to wear a cool suit so u can act James Bondish…suave…shaken not stirred. Step two acquire a deck of cards. Now here is the part where it gets interesting. U ask the dumb shmuck who ur playing the trick on to pick a card…Any Card…Any FUCKing card he wants. Then without looking at the card give him the deck and ask him to shuffle the cards. Make the guy shuffle the deck for at least 5 minutes…make him spread the cards around…do a KAINCHI…until the guy gets tired. Then u ask him to find the card he chose before from the deck. Once he locates the card u ask for it. The guy shud be hesitant giving u the card but insist that u want that card. After that once u’ve got his card…ask him…”Is this ur FUCKing card…dumbass” and remember to laugh in his face. The tricky part in this card trick is keeping a straight face through the whole trick…it will require much practice but once u have mastered it…this trick is really satisfying.

Yeh…so I suck at card tricks so I trick people using cards…does that make me a bad person…maybe…actually yes it makes me a very bad person now that I think of it…but u will never understand the pain of not being able to do card trick. Death to all Magicians!!!!!

Measuring Up

Warning: If u want to protect ur "virgin" ears do not read the 4th paragraph. U have been warned.
It was one of the rare moments in the year when I actually thought about where my life was headed and whether I would live up to my parents expectations. Would I be able to outdo my father which is the goal of every son??? Then being the dumb shmuck I am all these inappropriate jokes started to pop up in my head and I cudn’t continue to introspect (token big word).

Now I was thinking that I was going to have a tough time exceeding my dads accomplishments but look at the sons/daughters of these people would’ve had to live up to.

Now if Jesus had a son that boy would have a serious inferiority complex. Imagine how he would introduce himself…”Hi I’m the Grandson of God” doesn’t have the same ring to it. The poor guy most probably would end up in the loony bin…people wud keep asking him…”What can u do…can u cure aids…huh huh….can u turn water into wine…huh huh??” To this the Grandson of God wud reply, “I can’t turn water into wine but I can turn it into beer and that too only a lite beer”. Jesus’ son would be a social outcast…the jews would want to crucify him…the Christians wud be in denial that jesus has no son…and the muslims…well the muslims wud just want to blow him up cuz he is a foreigner. Finally how would the poor boy be able to top Jesus’ biggest accomplishment…”THE CRUCIFICATION”…this boy is going to be one fucked up kid cuz from childhood the only thing he wud be thinking of is how he would die…”Maybe if I was thrown out of a plane on fire….yes fire is a good touch…and while I was falling to the ground I would be shot in the arms and legs….and just before im about to hit the ground someone catches me only so that they can castrate me and feed me to the pigs….yes if I cud get this done surely it would top dads Crucifition.” For the sake of this child we can only hope that Dan Brown is wrong.

I’m sure Ron Jeremy has many sons and I feel for these poor sons of bitches (for all of u who are acting innocent as if they don’t know who Ron Jeremy is or those who actually don’t know who Ron Jeremy is here is a brief Bio. Ron Jeremy is the Porn King. He has made the most porn movies in the world and he has a penacular size of 11 inches and ¾ quarters…almost a foot long subway sub for those of u trying to imagine…sickos). Now first of all men have a complex abt the size of their equipment…and these poor guys would have live up to a legend. The girls would be going out with them with the expectation that they would “measure up” to their father. Now Ron Jeremy’s sons are the few people I can’t blame for turning gay….the pressure would eventually get to them....how many situations can u imagine in which the girl cud say the following …”this isn’t the way ur dad does it…ur dads bigger…ur daddy doesn’t give up that quickly…u are daddy’s “lil” baby aren’t u”. Please tell me u wudnt find that a little disturbing…sickos.

It’s a good thing Dubya (George Dubya Bush) doesn’t have any sons…yet….cuz I don’t know if anyone can top him…in which category u ask….well the category is STUPIDITY!!!! I know that people say a lot of stupid things in their life time…maybe people say enough stupid things in a life time to be compiled into a book…but Dubya is a machine…he says enough stupid things in a year to be made into a book. Dubya seems to be the product of years and years of incest and I think he is as good as it gets…after this I think the recessive genes would start to kick in. Now how would Dubya’s son top his father…a father who has gone to war in search weapons of mass destruction which he can’t find…I cant help but doubt the amount of mass destruction these weapons can cause if the best military in the world cant find it. Now the only way Dubya’s son could top that is if he went to war with China on the basis that Chinese people speak English with a funny accent. See that’s how retarded George Bush is that the only way to top him is by doing the above mentioned. May god have mercy on us if there is a Dubya Junior.

Another kid who wud have a tough time living up to their dad wud be Hitler’s son. Now how do u top a man who almost wiped out the entire jewish population. The solution is simple theoretically…u try and wipeout the current dominant race…which now would be Americans. So you would try and annihilate the Americans. Wait a minute….isnt there someone already trying to do that…isn’t there someone hell bent on killing all the “infidels”…I think I have come across a startling discovery…Osama bin Ladin is the love child of Adolf Hitler and Daddy bin Ladin…it makes sense now...the obsession to destroy a whole race…the hanging out with men in a dark cave (many puns included)…Hitler did have a son and he is trying to follow in his fathers footsteps. We are doomed!!!

To all of those guys who think they have it tough trying to outdo their dads…look at the poor souls above and look how much better off u guys are. Anytime u guys feel down and depressed that ur life isn’t going anywhere just imagine how life wud be if u were Ron Jeremy’s son.

An Academic paper on the word FUCK

Warning: this is not funny, this is educational...you have been warned
So apparently my blog is the biggest thing on the internet right now…cuz abt 1000 ppl have come to my blogspot…that’s abt all the ppl who use the internet right. Ok…enough my retardedness....so the main complaint I get from ppl who read my blog is that its funny and shit but I use the word FUCK a lot. Well this is what I have to say to them FUCK U!!! I bet u guys didn’t see that coming huh…on a more serious note these complaints made me start to think abt the word FUCK and how I use it and how ppl use it in everyday life. I personally use the word FUCK instead of exclamation marks or as adjective. Now let us look at the more serious side of the word FUCK.

The word FUCK according to Princeton University is the slang term for sexual intercourse. Now apply this definition to the way we use the word FUCK in everyday life . “What the FUCK” = “What, sexual intercourse???”… “FUCK you” = “U have sexual intercourse”….”FUCKer” = “someone who has sexual intercourse” (it is beyond me how this is an insult). Makes little sense if u were going off the definition but even a 2 year old knows how to use the word FUCK…it is a miracle of nature.

Now I want to address the beautiful structure of the world FUCK….the phonics…the FUCKing phonics are brilliant (note: FUCK here was used as an adjective). FUCK is by far the most stress relieving word in the world. The amount of negative energy u release just my saying it is amazing…FUCK saying Ommm….all yogis shud say FUCK!!! Lets do an experiment regarding ther implementation of the word FUCK in the real world. Say u drop a heavy stone on your foot…a natural response would be to say the word FUCK but for this experiment we will also have a control in which a person says Darn. Now the person who says FUCK…gets rid of all the negative energy…emphasis on the Fuh part gets all the excess energy and the UCCKKK part calms the person down…u guys try it at home infront of ur parents… and get them to do it along…notice how relaxed everyone is. Moving on to the control….the person saying darn is not able to release any negative energy becuz of the phonics of the word…u are unable to release all the negative energy in you…and in our case the control turned into a psychopath and went on a mass murdering spree because he cudnt say FUCK… these finding were very interesting and show that not saying FUCK is hazardous to the health of other ppl (the new general surgeons warning).

Now let us look at another scenario in which we use the word FUCK…say ur walking down the street and all of a sudden u notice u don’t have balls anymore. In this case we are faced with an ironic situation…it wud be natural for the guy to say FUCK but now he doesn’t have the apparatus to do so…lots of academics have had arguments whether this person has the right to say FUCK and the situation is currently a topic of much debate and is also the cause for war in Iraq…since Sadam says ppl without balls cannot say FUCK and since Bush doesn’t have any balls he is against that. A very touchy topic… hopefully the UN will step up and resolve the “FUCK Crisis”.

Now that I have explained why I myself and ppl shud use the word FUCK at every single applicable situation, all of you who don’t agree with me can go FUCK OFF!!!!!